Saturday, July 24th, 2021

Back to page: What will definitely happen during Nintendo’s E3 2021 Direct


ESA

In the magazine business, Back Page is where you can find all the weird errors that we cannot accommodate anywhere else. Some people may call it “fillers”; we prefer “a whole page to make scary jokes that are closely related to the content of the magazine.”

We don’t have a web page on the Internet, but we still like terrible jokes-welcome to our semi-routine feature Back Page. Today, we are discussing predictions that will never happen in the coming days full of E3…


It’s almost E3 time, although it feels (for us, anyway) that it has lasted 10,000 years. Last week we had a great time predicting things, but now it’s time to really eliminate all E3 pressure through our Back Page predictions. If any of these come true, we will eat our hats (according to the record, this is an old-fashioned reporter hat with the word PRESS).

Okay, let’s go!

The sequel that nobody asked for

Mario Kart Wii HDNintendo

Kate: I have played a lot of “Fata Morgana House”, so I plan to use “Fata Morgana’s caravan“.

Ryan: Imagine Baby 6. Yes, there are indeed five games about babies in the Imagine series, including Baby fashion with Baby 3D.

Tom: Mario Kart Wii HD. To be honest, this is not the best series, we are just playing with Wii Wheel gimmicks.

Gavin: Switch music, anyone? anyone? Hello there? Oh.

Worst celebrity cameo

Jedward Dragon Quest

Kate: Gwyneth Paltrow (Gwyneth Paltrow) is called to the stage to promote the new Ring Fit X Goop Adventure, Joy-Cons is placed in a jade egg, and, you know the rest.

RYAN: Jedward was chosen to joke, run around in the forest, and advertise for the latest Dragon Quest game. Wait, That did happen.

TOM: Nintendo UK hasn’t visited Ant and Dec for a while, it’s time.

GAVIN: The entire cast of “Friends” has been released to play Wii Sports: ReunionJoey does sprint: the Internet loses its sanity. Then he crossed his arms: The Internet is dead.

Nintendo killed another beloved character

Kate: Jeff Keighley was burned alive on the stake. Very sad, but we must make a ritual sacrifice to summon Kojima’s next game.

Ryan: Isabel. Was slaughtered. gone. Many tears.

TOM: Paul in “Animal Crossing”, the best character, is also my virtual friend.

Another blue flamed heraldic character in the smash

Marianne from FE3HIntelligent System/ Koei Tecmo

Kate: My money is on Marianne.

RYAN: I don’t know any Fire Emblem characters, but the Internet tells me that I should be angry for their existence.

TOM: They will shock the world and choose an FE character with different hair colors.

Gavin: You are just reminding me that I need to go back to Sanwu. “Back”, I mean “beginning”.

One thing that became a social media meme

Kate: We saw Reggie Fils-Aime return triumphantly. He dressed as Mario and defeated Doug Bowser in a very convincing wrestling match. At the end of the game, Reggie took a handful of spaghetti from his pocket and threw it into the crowd. Everyone becomes wild.

RYAN: Bowser took something out of his pocket, just like Reggie did at the Nintendo DS conference. Fans thought it was Switch Pro. It turned out to be just an old handkerchief; a metaphor to describe extreme disappointment.

Something everyone asks for, but for some reason they are still angry about it

Pokemon Brilliant Diamond Shining PearlPokémon

Kate: Metroid 4 has been released, but everyone is angry that Samus Aran now has a short hair suitable for combat. That ponytail can’t fly in the army.

RYAN: Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl will have a complete picture book/will not have a complete picture book/looks great/looks terrible/is a real reimagination of the base game/is not faithful enough to the base game /exist.

TOM: The new content of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe looks great and cheap, but people complain that it’s not Mario Kart 9 60 dollars.

GAVIN: More games/consoles on Nintendo Switch Online. All the classic video games, except that, this, there is another and so on.

Nintendo hired a new CEO with the name of Super Mario

Kate: Doug Bowser was replaced by Brian Chain-Chomp. Everyone began to suspect that something strange was happening at Nintendo.

RYAN: After the change.org petition, Nintendo finally gave in and replaced Furukawa with Dr. Mario World’s Goomba Tower. Those are Japan and NoA, and the next one is Europe.

GAVIN: Tony Question Block planted his square buttocks in Reggie’s old Herman Miller. Obviously, he was the nightmare of the investor Q&A session.

Next Labo episode

Laboratory kitNintendo

Kate: In keeping with the cardboard theme, Nintendo announced that their next Labo set is a pizza box with real oil stains. You can even get an amiibo placed on a small plastic table in the middle to prevent the cheese from falling off the lid.

Ryan: Nintendo Labo Toy-Con 05: Currency Printer Kit, Where fans can reproduce all those “it prints money” content using the real physical cardboard version of the console switching memes. Smallprint confirmed that it does not actually print money because Nintendo has accepted it.

TOM: Konami works, it’s just Snake’s box-at least as amiibo compatible with Smash Bros. Ultimate.

We have it: a few very credible, completely true E3 predictions. We are very happy to win the Pulitzer Prize for our investigative reporting. Tell us your prediction in the comments!